Notes to self, plus two (and the need for red shoes)

The search for childcare begins

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 07:00:00 +0000

I need childcare for Feb 1st 2011. The nursery of choice does not take until 10 months old and may just prove impossible to get into. The child-minder of choice is behind schedule of her Jan 2011 expansion plans and we are 7th on the list for 1 place she might have.

Let the games begin, I rang 6 nurseries and 24 childminders, the highlights were:

"You missed our look around day, it was last week and 200 people put their names on our waiting list."
"I have no space for the foreseeable future." (repeat x10)
"You can pop-in anytime and you must sign a contract within 24 hours."
"I must let you know I only work till five and don't do Fridays." (repeat quite often)
"Are you Orthodox Jew, no? Sorry, this nursery is not for you."
"No Yorkshire Grove is not a road, it's an estate."
"Childcare, yes, blah, blah, do you know what I mean? Blah, blah, whatever, do you know what I mean (?)"

My enquiries left me with a few nursery options and just a couple of childminders - slim pickings I conclude. So last night, I joined nannyshare.co.uk - best put some feelers out and start investigating. This morning much excitement occurred on discovering that the family whose profile I had just emailed to Mr. Notes as an exciting possibility had sent me a message. I must say no more for now as fate must not be tempted badly.

Child benefit, are all children born equal?

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 19:12:00 +0000

"From 2013, the coalition government will withdraw child benefit from families where one or both parents are higher-rate taxpayers."

It is not - so much - the proposed silence of the £20 per week that currently drips into an Orson savings account that angers me. Although, this was to be Orson's university fund so in 2018 (!) and university fees are probably £10k+ a year, a drought will be felt. Universal child benefit simply made me believe that deep in our government's policy was the principle that all children are born equal, and that re-assured me.

Yes, I know that I am not dependant upon this money to buy shoes or put milk in his bottle but childcare is expensive and have you seen the projections for the rise in university fees! All children, where-ever they are born on the UK's ladder of society, benefit from a little help. The Notes family don't expect anyone to give us anything but this £20 a week made me feel (in the smallest way) - that we are part of something the Government acknowledges, acknowledged by society with everyone else, and I liked that.

And ... I cannot help but suspect a game, that maybe in 2013 your leaders will proclaim "oh, what a great job we have done with the economy (here's hoping), so much so that we can give back the nation it's child benefit. We are fantastic, that will be £3 million votes please."

Tax me, yes, OK, go on then. Tax my child, really? Big Society Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg? Give me my £20 back and then I will believe that "all children are born equal" and that you believe in Society - however big it needs to be.

Post-natal anxious reflections

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 19:50:00 +0000

I have reflected on my last post "Post-natal anxious," my alleged anxiety and my concerns, that whilst I am sure I don't have post-natal depression, that I might - or maybe even should - crash at some point. After 2 weeks of early morning gym trips, near daily visits or visitors and added household chores I decided to do less, much less. It is then I thought I saw the pending crash. I have since decided busy is good.

I also read this over at Josie's Sleep is for the Weak blog: "What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there’s no hurry, and that everything is as it should be … Would you still feel disadvantaged?" So I decided I have options.

Then my friend B (who today is known as Sage) said "The trouble with mumming is you are busy but have a freedom you're not used to at work." And there you have it, a problem turned on it's head. We are conditioned that the crashing of a mother is down to the relentless nappies and poo and vomit and crying and sleepless ... I could go on. It is not the detail and the 4 walls of my home and new intimate world that I cannot get used to but it's freedom - you see I have options.

It is indeed freedom. During the waking day, I have no boss, no stakeholders, no CEO. People who call genuinely just want to know how we are and the only emails I receive are nice. There is no team whose movements and actions I am watching, no industry and players with whom every conversation is a negiotation. I have stuff to do and places to be, things to ensure don't happen and things to deal with but they are not actions or meetings, risks or issues. Hell, I don't even have a plan. What I don't even have a plan?

Busy but with no plan and no stress, no wonder it does not quite compute.

Post-natal anxious

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 17:01:00 +0000

I feel anxious and it is not a feeling I am used to. I - of course - have no idea why I feel anxious. With a nearly 10 week old baby I have had no real signs of post-natal depression but now I find myself wondering if I am going to crash, maybe the adrenaline is going to wear off. These thoughts make me anxious, an anxious cycle - great!

I have taken to motherhood better than I had hoped. I am changing nappies and breast-feeding and storing sick in my bra. I am dealing with crying and the 3am wake with calm and patience. The extra 2 stone I am carrying aside, I have approached maternity leave with a "I am going to enjoy this, criks I have to give birth again for someone to give me another 7 months off work " attitude. After a too busy fortnight, I am taking it easier, spreading out my lunch dates and trying to do less - just "be" more. With 4 1/2 months of maternity leave to go, I guess I have hit a wall of wondering what I should be doing with myself, with Orson. I am also sure I am talking crap and absolutely OK. In my job I have perfected not being anxious or worrying, had I not I would be crazy and - well - that is what tomorrow is for, sorting out the seemingly anxious-ridden stuff. But now, tomorrow is pretty much the same as yesterday.

I think I expect someone to say to me, "right 10 weeks, that is your lot get back to work." I don't want to go back to work yet but I am looking forward to going back to work. 4 1/2 months now seems so little time but also many many weeks. You see, this irrational stream of blog is one of the things I hate about an inward and intimate world you start to doubt your thoughts and self *small scream*.

Worried about not having post-natal depression, I probably just need to get out more! A lack of balance maybe but when there are just baby-days there is nothing to balance, there is just weight on one side of the scales and it is too much.

Power to the pelvic floor exercise

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 11:57:00 +0000

On Monday I discovered a gym you can take your baby too, not a baby gym but a ladies gym where it is perfectly acceptable to work out with your baby next to you. A little shocked but joyous I went for a look around at New River Women in Islington* - only in Islington!

A nice idea in principle, I joined but my induction did not go so well. Orson whilst asleep on arrival, awoke to dance music and went bonkers, deciding it was time for his first dance. His music snob Daddy was later mortified on discovering Orson likes banging hard house music.

Leaving the house for a 8.30am induction when I awoke at 7.30 was rushed! I was manic mother going to the gym. No make-up, no shower (did I brush my hair even?), a trail of dirty nappies and baby clothing behind me, subscribing online to Islington pay by phone parking (incorrectly it turned out) and a conversation with the neighbours (so polite) I left the house in half an hour and was early. I left a little strung out (they took a photo of me (!)) with a crying baby, convincing myself that it is just a matter of finding the right time to go that could make this work.

Day three and a power plates class at 9.30am, I am glad to report that tanked up on a bit of formula at 8.45am Orson slept blissfully through my first serious exercise for - mmm - about a year. This time I left mighty darn happy (deleting from my mind the bronzed 20-something on the plate next to me), maybe this could work! Turns out, that trying to stop yourself from peeing on a vibrating power plate may just be the perfect pelvic floor exercise.

* Not a sponsored post, I should be so lucky

Fuck, I made cupcakes

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 19:53:00 +0000

How did this happen I ask myself? Oh, yes it is Mr. Notes birthday tomorrow. The "Great Stay at Home Mum" experiment continues and I give you - ok, him - Gizzi Erskine's Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cupcakes ... da, da!

This photo goes out to Modern Dilemma,

who never thought she would see the day I posted cupcakes.

Baby 7 weeks old, how are we doing?

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 07:00:00 +0000

We did some big things this week:

Orson laughed
Orson went back to UCH and the Dr concluded "He is doing great, I am not worried about him at all."
We survived 4 days over the bank holiday home alone with Mr Notes at a film festival for 4 days morning till midnight - wow, how do single mums do that (respect)!
I drove for the 1st time with Orson in the car so we are now upwardly mobile - amazing how big this seemed!
We spent a day in Central London shopping and having lunch - Space NK and paperchase, yeah but so tiring
We popped into the office impromptu - a success, we were popular

I reflected on my 1st 6 weeks of Motherood
There is a lot less wobble, in my head that is, the wobble is around my waist

Team Notes drives to Somerset for a lovely long weekend with Grandparents*
Mr and Ms Notes had their 1st dinner out alone, for our wedding anniversary*
We are currently at the grandparents and enjoying the 4 extra hands.*

*I hope, shhh I wrote this on Wednesday

Happy wedding anniversary Team Notes

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 07:00:00 +0000

4 years ago today and boy does by bum not look big in that dress!

The gallery for Blogadesh: a baby's first laugh

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:27:00 +0000

The Sticky Finger's gallery subject this week is 1 day in August. A gallery to mark the day that 3 bloggers - Josie, Sian and Eva - travelled to Bangladesh to see the work Save the Children is doing out there and help press for change: blogadesh. On this fine day, I captured Orson's first laugh on camera. Like the bloggers' trip it is a wonderful thing, and I reflect that so many children are not able to be as happy as Orson will be but that also it is children living in extreme circumstances that often seem so happy against all odds.

Girls you are amazing, this laugh is for you!

The price of milk and baby leggings, Stupid from Stoke Newington

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 07:33:00 +0000

We landed in Stoke Newington quite by accident. Ironically, I refused to move to Crouch End or Muswell Hill for fear of the breeding factor but it turns out Stokey has more babies per capita* that anywhere else in the UK - and look at me now.

Four years in and I love Stoke Newington and you will have to crowbar me out, well that is if the price of houses do not dump us back in real Hackney. Stoke Newington Church Street - the epicentre - is all restaurants, estate agents, boutique kids shops, too-cool record and book stores. It is all rather I grew up from Shoreditch, too many vintage clothes, quirky tea shops, delis and retro-furniture. Gluten is banded and organic the way. The roads are literally paved with strollers and everyone looks like they would rather be at a music festival. I fit right in.

But it - in my new sense of baby world - is expensive. Of course it is it is London but what the fuck I find my self thinking this week.

Last week we popped in Whole Foods, to check out the organic formula options. We have been giving Orson Aptamil in the evenings at 7pm, 1 x 59p carton of 1st milk. Hipp Organic 1st milk in Whole Foods 200ml is£1.40! I muttered something about the relative price of champagne and bought the powder. I just accepted that this is the price of Hipp Organic milk until ... Boots online 69p. No use crying I said.

Now, I am in love with baby leggings and love Brights and Stripes clothing. On Church Street there is a beautiful shop called Olive loves Alfie, they sell truly beautiful things for babies and children, and they sell Brights and Stripes who make great leggings. These leggings are £19.99 in Olive loves Alfie and yesterday I purchased some - brown with big white stars. Today I discover the same leggings, the same but with polka dots on www.thehedgepig.co.uk for £8.99 - also available at Olive loves Alfie for £19.99! I always want to support local shops, get that rents must be high and do do do love Olive and Alfie but I must have hit my head and be seeing some stars!

* Honestly, it was on Channel 4 news

My 1st 6 weeks of Motherhood: the wordle

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 20:25:00 +0000

Notes about my 1st 6 weeks of Motherhood

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 18:52:00 +0000

this image belongs to the
lovely Naughty Betty Inc.

Achievements (look at me!):

A happy Mr & Ms Notes and a beautiful, happy 6 week old baby - Team Notes!
Breast-feeding
A ride on the 149 bus into the city for lunch
A shower every morning and zero hours of daytime TV watched

How much do you love them?

So much! I feel like little Orson is made of my soul, all mixed up with the wonder that is hubbie Notes

About being a Mum:

It's all OK, what was I so worried about?
I get it now. There is no interview, no probation period and you don't need to prove yourself because no one is more qualified to be the mother of your child than you!
I am a pragmatic woman, Motherhood is just something you get on with
Whilst all is OK, always be aware of the potential wobble

About being a woman:

I gave birth! Rock on sisters.
We should all feel the love. We are womankind; we should be the Motherkind!

About my job:

I am still sure I am going back to work in Feb11 (see post "Me, my job and a little baby: just to be clear")
I am enjoying my maternity leave, hell, I am going to have to give birth again to get another 7 months off work!

About being me:

Time to chill out, I have chilled out but I am on the re-gaining me thing

Things I did not know I needed:

A good feather pillow, the ultimate carry about and sleep thing
Melobaby, the all-in-one nappy wallet and changing mat - the nappy bag is dead, long live melobaby!
New towels, I cut all my old ones up and use on my changing mat - added comfort and pee-sucking up
Sea-salt spray, it is definitely time to embrace loose-sexy Elle McPherson hair - that's really just well-styled messy hair
Face-masks (daily), an excuse to spend longer in the bathroom in the morning - alone!
New underwear, I don't fit in my pre-baby underwear and my pregnancy underwear will be burnt - shocked, the endless quest for the best nursing bra ended at TopShop and £18
Breast pads, a sane woman can only resist for so long but enough with the padding!
An iPad, its all about whether I have the best available "to do list" app?

The funky stuff:

Trumpette socks, look like shoes but feel like socks - genius!
Brights and Stripes rainbow clothes, so bright yet nostalgic - compulsive

Random thoughts:

You and the baby will smell of sweet burnt milk, like creme brulee
You will think baby poo smells quite sweet, like creme brulee
Is it not odd that your boy is munching on your boob, and then you all will just forget about that?
There is always going to be 1 smug mum (at least) - giving them the benefit of the doubt but knowing I am normally right
Your hubbie spending 4 days at a movie festival makes you wonderful
Lonely? No, I blog :-) Love the blog!

Motherhood the movie, with Uma Thurman

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 23:02:00 +0000

I have just watched Motherhood and it is dumb! As bad as Kerry Katona's audition for the lead may have been. It is about motherhood and blogging, and one woman's right to define what motherhood means to her so - ironically - she may get a real job, as a writer. The script is so crappy I was compelled several times to switch off; that it is about a blogger just intensifies the cringe-worthy view.

The premise of the film is valid but it is dumbstruck. At one point the mother describes her voice as no-longer articulate "...words just come out and sound like bad ad copy." Later her husband marks her writing as banal. Together they sum up the script. I watched it as I would give any (OK most) mothers the benefit of the doubt. Uma?? Uma gets away with it as I could barely comprehend it was her in the role, so I forgave and forgot.

All that said, the end made me cry (just) ... the definition of Motherhood:

"Motherhood is about accepting the limitations of time and energy, which stretch beyond you, even if sometimes it feels they could consume you. Search for and hold on to your own true self. If you lose that, what kind of mother can you be?

Things are always changing, no matter how much we might want things to stay the same. You could take a picture of your kids every single day, and every single day, they'd just be getting older. That's a fact. A heartbreaking fact. But still a fact.

So seize your days and dwell in them fully. Look to your children because they know how to inhabit brief periods of time with extreme passion. And for nothing more, really, than the sake of those moments. They can help you remember that, if you only slow down and let them.

Feel fortunate because chances are good you actually might be."

Don't watch this movie, read my blog instead (sorry G).

Shame by Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 11:36:00 +0000

After initially thinking this odd, I love it, it is brilliant.

Takes one hell of alot of sobriety and wealth to be able to laugh at yourself this hard.

Baby 6 weeks old, how are we doing?

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 08:00:00 +0000

It has been a week of cleaning, long phone calls, reflux and a wobble. The wardrobe is super-organised and my cupboards refined just a little further. Maternity leave (amongst other things of course) is going to be a the mother of all spring cleans, a sort out akin to big-bridge painting. I still, however, cannot get my OCD husband to understand that it is important to me that no hanger hangs on a rail without a garment ... mmmm.

Orson is great, really starting to smile and maybe even giggling. He loves going out in his sling but I think that is more about the face between the boobs that the sling or the travel. He passed his 6 week check up and survived a TB jab. He is, though, a little refluxy which has had a couple of challenging afternoons. There was a moment when I just felt like a vessel to be thrown up on ... the catalyst was the expense of the cardigan I was wearing probably. Hands up, I truly believed it would be possible to keep myself and my clothes clean, I now know it is not. He, I, well we smell like sweet burnt milk but I think of us more like creme brulee.

I wobbled on the weight thing just a little. I wrote that everything was great just 1 too many times in emails and then I wondered if I was? Thing is I am OK in the grand scheme of things, I just need to shift this weight ... but I did realise that whilst I shower very morning, lounging around in lounge wear is not good for the soul. So the jeans are back on, and then I spent my way out of it. I had my hair-done, bought some underwear that actually fits (love TopShop for underwear you hope won't fit for long), bought some ballet pumps (really ballet pumps!) and some more long black tops to see me through the transition and the sicking up. Oh, and then I got off my butt, walked and actually did the Tracy Anderson post pregnancy workout, but that my friends deserves its own post. Warning: do not click that link and enter her world.

My week has had a soundtrack of the bizarre free-style jazz "blackbird song" that comes from my baby chair. I also started to be contacted by PRs, it is a good feeling but I want to have a big think about how and why I do any of the blogging PR stuff.

As I snoozed with Orson this afternoon I did feel a contentment as he held my hand, a deep inner contentment I have definitely never felt before. Oh and I bought plant, meet Seymour. If I can keep a small boy and an exotic plant alive, then I am a greater woman than I was before.

Melobaby killed the nappy bag

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 08:02:00 +0000

Last week I decided I hated my Cowshed nappy bag and maybe that I just hate the nappy bag. I am not sure I am ready to commit to one bag, not sure I want one bag and not sure I don't want to carry a handbag. I am also pretty sure that my 2 old Marc Jacobs hobo bags are the same design as most nappy bags and way cooler. I am also sure, right now, that I don't need to carry much.

I can hear the mothers of toddlers laughing at me now. I know, maybe when I am carrying 3 changes of clothes, numerous Tupperware boxes of vegetable batons, pouches of organic puree, toys, books and bag that is actually half full of sick I will laugh too. Anyway, I have decided for now that I do not need a nappy bag and I reserve the right to change my mind without you laughing at me.

This little product is my new favourite thing of wonder (and this is NOT a sponsored post) Motherkind, the Melobaby all-in-one nappy wallet and changing mat. To me it is a clutch bag, to my husband I say wallet. I have taken it out as my only bag (popping to the doctors), carried it in my favourite yet small messenger bag (walks in the park), and added to my Marc Jacobs bag along with the rest of my life. Now I own an iPad rather than an A4 filofax it will probably fit in my briefcase and I have given my husband one. It is quite simple, the wallet has various pockets for nappies (max 4ish (best 2 or 3)), alcohol gel, nappy bags and other changing stuff; a separate pouch for wipes to keep them moist; there is even room for a mobile, cash and keys on those lone trips. The changing mat is just so tactile, it is a beautiful soft fleece that seems to have warmed itself every you open the wallet. The changing mat is detachable, it uses soft magnets that somehow attach and detach in a satisfying manner. It is also washable as you would expect.

I love it, it is just beautiful to look at, touch, well-designed and pragmatic. It is now my new-mother gift of choice.

Truly blogging as myself, what do I think?

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 15:37:00 +0000

Hayley at singlemummy.net's post today got me thinking. The post is about whether celebrity mummy bloggers exist ... "I would say I was quite an established blogger, I've been blogging over a year, I have a twitter following of over 750, I have almost 150 Google connect readers, I frequently get comments and occasionally offers of opportunities. And yet my voice feels so small in this sea of big bloggers whose voices are always heard first. Is my blog and being myself simply not enough? What do you have to do to be heard?"

To which I replied: "Remember that the beautiful of blogging and the internet is it gave everyone a voice. It is human nature though, the minute there is a league table you want to be higher up it. Sometimes I wonder if I want to be hear more or just higher up a table - displaced ambition as I am on maternity leave perhaps. One thing I believe is that if you are scared of being "lynched" "poo pooed" or "excluded" you are not blogging for yourself. And if you are lynching or poo-poo'g you are not blogging for yourself. Having said that, I know I have put off blogging a post about home and hospital births as my thoughts are not so cool."

At which point I realised, whilst normally of my own opinion and not one to worry what people think, I have held back some posts pondering quite how to phrase best. This is a list of posts I want to write and am (right now) promising myself I will.

1. Fuck off NCT, childbirth is painful

2. No, I don't want a homebirth!

3. I always wanted the drugs

3. My baby is 6 weeks old and, yes, I give him 1 bottle of formula at night

4. The phrase "birth-plan" is nonsense, and no-one reads it anyway

5. I cannot think of anything worse than going to a toddler group

6. What? You could not possibly abandon your child and go back to work? I could not possibly abandon myself

Wow, now I sound quite angry, criks.

Dear team, Baby Orson is not well and we are in hospital

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 11:33:00 +0000

I just found this email, I don't even remember writing it. I sent it to my boss and team at work on 19 July just three days after Orson was born. I am posting it as a strange and bittersweet reminder ...

Turns out you guys are right, Sonny is not really short for Orson and those minor complications got major for a while ... he was considered seriously ill.

The good news is that Orson is out of the really scary bit, stable and going really well. Late last night he left intensive care and is now in special care.

When he was born the DRs thought he had swallowed meconium, the major bit came when they realised he had inhaled it into his lungs. Meconium is very sticky so breaks the air bubbles in the lungs. It then can cause air leaks that start to displace bits of the lungs. This leaking is now under control. All merconium that will come off the lungs is off the lungs and remaining needs to be managed through absorbing. They keep saying his lungs xray is not pretty but we are not sure what this means yet.

His kidneys also failed to start properly. Whilst this sounds quite shocking apparently it is a control mechanism by the lungs to focus on them ... They are now functioning and should be corrected within 3 days.

He also has an infection which they are trying to understand. We are waiting for menningitis tests to come back tomorrow but I feel they are ruling this out first rather than thinking he has it.

The best news is he is off the support machine and ventilor, and no longer on morphine. He remains on anti biotics and oxygen.

I got to hold him yesterday and he has started opening his eyes now. I will probably leave the maternity ward later today but Orson will now be in special care on anti biotics and oxygen for 5 to 7 days best case scenario.

We will of course be with him the most of the time, going home to sleep.

The staff here really are something else and used to managing his problems.

He really is big and strong. Everything they have done to get him better seems to have worked and orson responses to well.

Rest assured he does not look ill and looks quite out of place in his incubator. A lively fighting nature and his size have got him through this.

Hubbie and I are good, I think we are just starting to rise from the shock. Now he is in special care we are looking forward to starting to celebrate and enjoy him more, look after him and get to know him. He is of course beautiful.

I will send some pictures later. The only ones I have right now are a bit too wired up.

Take care all

Baby 5 weeks old, photos on a Friday

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 20:14:00 +0000

Baby 5 weeks old, how are we doing?

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 20:11:00 +0000

It has been a pretty relaxed week, in fact I can barely remember what we have done. The highlight was a visit from my Mum and Sister, they met Orson properly - their first visit having been whilst there were incubators and no cuddles.

The week has been a little unsettled with Orson's feeding and sleeping seeming to shift, something we are still working out a little. We have one good night and then one not so good night. He seems to be eating much less than before but I think more effectively. A big baby and now 11 pounds, the midwife says whilst weight gain is right but that his growth is slowing, again OK. He seems to be behaving much older than his weeks. Honestly, don't tell anyone (I know these words will haunt me) but I am less tired than during my 3rd trimester. If it has been a good night, I make sure I get up and shower before hubbie B leaves for work - I feed and blog. If I am tired Orson and I will hang out in bed - I feed and snooze. I like both options and we mix it up a bit.

How am I? My bones still feel like jelly and my lower back is challenging so I have booked an appointment with an osteopath. I am still anaemic, bleeding, and itching again. The itching I have now definitely put in the food allergy camp. All subjects for my check up at 6 weeks. Next week is exercise week, I am going to make a start - something easy though!

Hubbie B is good but busy at work. He took today to hang out with us (and receive much amazon post), and we went out for lunch. At the moment in the week Orson and I sleep upstairs and B sleeps in the other bedroom for a good night. At the weekends, B comes upstairs to visit - we like this and it is better this way.

Phil & Ted's Dash pushchair steering problem

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 17:01:00 +0000

I bought a Phil & Ted's Dash pushchair and I was happy with it until I had to push! After several outings I decided it was not me and my weak post-childbirth frame but the Dash itself. I can not dash anywhere with it and if I tried I would end up rather right of where I wanted to be. My Dash pushchair will not go in a straight line, it steers hard to the right, constantly has to be brutally shoved to the left and regularly locks up on itself. Try and do anything with just hand and you would be busy going around in a circle - probably the wrong way. Drag! Drag it does OK, in fact that is all it is good for.

Rather embarrassing really as I was totally sold on the Phil & Ted's from the start and my husband disagreed. He felt that the Phil & Ted's are designed for 2 children so could never possibly be the best option for 1 child. I fell in love with the simplicity of the engineering, few moving parts, all zips and straps - I loved it. There were a few heated discussions but we bought the Dash.

I bought the pushchair at Born in Stoke Newington - a lovely shop. Turns out the steering problem is/was common. Last week I was told my pushchair would need to be returned to Phil & Ted's for 1 week to be fixed. I left it till today as they needed to speak to Phil & Ted's and I needed to think about the logistics of being without Dash for a week. It was a pleasant conversation at Born but afterwards I could not help thinking "why was the product not recalled" and "why had Born not checked the chair before they sold it to me?"

This morning I rang Born dreading the pending inconvenience of a week without a pushchair, and more importantly explaining all to my Mum (who actually bought the pushchair). I was rather happy when they said "a new wheel and washer are being couriered over, they will be 2 days and they should fix the problem."

We shall see, I will keep you posted.

You can call me Jay Notes

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 18:28:00 +0000

So ... facebook needs a name for a profile and I have called myself Jay Notes? No ... I am not sure either. Anyway ... Jay because my real name begins with a J and facebook would not accept a simple J. Notes because some blogging friends have started to call me Notes, and I like it. After 1 year of blogging and many new friends, I do feel a need a name now, not my real name but something a little more real than my previous "Ms X".

All this so I can be your friend *kiss onthe cheek*: http://www.facebook.com/NotesToSelfPlusTwo

Hey, you could even like me *smiles*:

Me, me, me

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 06:35:00 +0000

I thought it time to update my "about me and this blog" page. Time for a little bit more information perhaps ...

Hi, I am J "Notes". I am 34, live in Stoke Newington London and have been married to B for 4 years. On July 16 2010 I gave birth to Orson. This blog is about the roles I have as a woman and how I add mother to that list. My self-esteem and sense of self are important to me, and I know I need to keep them as I am now a mother. I have promised myself that I will put myself first; my marriage second, not selfishly but so I can really be true and there for both my son and husband. This blog is my thoughts and stories along the way.

I am on maternity leave until Feb 2011, the great SAHM experiment of 2010. I love my job and have never doubted I will return, but it is a complex topic about which I will blog. I work in media as a Head of [something] Operations and a Project Director; I work for a company/on something that everyone in the UK has heard of. When I return to work I am sure this blog will explore at length the working mum thing.

Me? I love Cop-Copine and Vivienne Westwood clothing, Camilla Skovgaard shoes, great American TV, nu-folk music, music festivals & gigs, books by Graham Swift, living in Stoke Newington, interior design, California, sunshine, eating out, great wine, podcasts and my iPad.

Turns out I love to blog. I blog anonymously because its easier and I can be more honest. I like to think I am funny, I hope I make you laugh.

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Notes about why I write this blog
Notes about being yourself
Notes about being a woman
Notes about being a wife
Notes about being a mother
Notes about being a working mother
Notes about being a daughter

Orson: 0- 3 months, year 1, photos
The maternity leave diaries: the birth diaries, the great 2010 SAHM experiment
The pregnancy diaries: trying for a baby, 1st trimester, 2nd trimester, 3rd trimester

Dear my lovely OCD husband
Notes about loving N16
Looking good

Geek stuff: I blog therefore I am, i am geek woman
Fun stuff in blogland: the Sticky Fingers gallery, the Sleep is for the Weak writing workshop,wordless Wednesday

A weighty issue

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 09:46:00 +0000

Before I gave birth (literally 14 hours before) i weighed 92 kgs, its a lot I know. Before pregnancy I weighed 63 kgs. Well, actually I weighed 10 stone but I have decided to drop the stones for kgs. Years of screwed up thoughts about food have given me some heavy fears and triggers at certain weighs, so I am wiping the slate clean and kgs it is *cheers*.

4 days after I gave birth I weighed 91.7 kgs. How, how, how? Great the instant weight loss is yet another lie of pregnancy and childbirth? This is only made worse by how pregnant you still look for the immediate days/weeks - something else on-one mentions. With Orson in neo-natal care 1 week, I loss count of the times, walking around a hospital with no baby, I had to say "nope, I had my baby last week." How many difficult meetings with neighbours I had, them confused simply looking at me thinking "should you not have had a baby about 1 month ago, you are carrying no baby and you look pregnant, what the hell is happening, what do I say to you?" So, I lost 0.7 kg at childbirth? What happened to the 9lb baby? Do I really now have 9 lb boobs? Where is my waist, please let it me waiting for me? Will I ever wear a belt again? Will I ever wear any of my beautiful clothes again?

Anyway, today I weigh 83 kgs so 1 month in we are 9 kgs down with 20 kgs to go ... f***, someone get me Tracy Anderson on the phone.

Photos on a Friday: 4 weeks old

noreply@blogger.com (Notes to self plus two) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 20:20:00 +0000